Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about six times per second. Concentration was moderate and the vibrations were each crisp and distinct. My awareness shifted to my sense of touch. There was some physical discomfort that ranged from slight to moderate throughout the session.  I slipped into a stories and tape loops several times. There was an odd sort of mechanical "engage" sort of sensation when I would slip into them, and when I would slip out it was more like my awareness was SHOT out - there was a sense of momentum coming out of the story/tape loop and my awareness would sort of attack whatever sense-data was present. About halfway through the session concentration really started to get going and "formations" presented as my whole sense field began to "vibrate".

Observations: Another day, another dollar.

I just reread the chapter in the "MCTB on the Three Characteristics", and am now wondering if I'm at nana 3, not 5-10. Could be. There's been no grand A&P event since I dropped-out of review. I don't know. Ultimately . . . it don't mattuh.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about eight times per second. Concentration was moderate and there was some slight physical discomfort.  "Vibrations" were fine and sort of slippery. I slipped into a stories, several times, but less often than sessions over the past week. snapped back. The last half of the session felt like a shift in character was at hand. "Formations" presented - sort of. Physical discomfort was there, but not happening to "me". "Vibrations" kept their fast pace, but became coarser. There was a slight sense of space that was a nice relief after a week or so worth of "Dark Night" (where my thoughts careened around my skull like ball bearings in syrup).

Observations: n/a.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about eight times per second. Concentration was diffuse and there was some physical discomfort.  "Vibrations" were course. Thought was a "sense-object". I slipped into a stories, snapped back. Concentration was more precise. Vibrations were finer. I chanced into "Boundless Space" but didn't solidify it - I just continued to observe the sense-field flux. Dropped out of "Boundless Space". "Vibrations" were quite fine and the contrast between being and not-being was stark. Then dropped into stories again - lather, rinse, repeat the above. Towards the end of the session: "Formations?"

Observations: The "Dark Night" is doing its thing. My back is KILLING me and my concentrations is way down when I first hit the cushion. But things seem to be moving along - steadily, vibrations are getting faster and "formations" have been sort-of happening but not really . . . until today???

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about six times per second. Concentration was diffuse and there was some physical discomfort.  "Vibrations" were fairly fine. Data from multiple sense-doors was out there in the mix - but it fell short of formations. I slipped into a stories, snapped back, then slipped into stories again. This continued until the end of the session, with each cycle ending at a place that (with each cycle) was increasingly mellow and spacious.


Observations: The Dark Night is a pitiless, royal, flaming, no-holds-barred, bitch. Today my headache is almost gone, but last night was pretty much hell. My back had started to feel stiff and painful starting around my session yesterday, and it just got worse and worse until last night it felt like my spinal erectors were going to contract my whole body is half. Around midnight I was just lying in bed twitching and holding back the tears. I blame the Dark Night.

Time: 25 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about six times per second. Concentration was diffuse.  "Vibrations" were fairly fine and there was (relative to the last few sessions) little physical pain. I slipped into a stories, nodded-of, woke-up, concentrated on the object, then slipped into stories again. This continued until the end of the session.

Observations: I'm still pretty irritable, but the headache is much better today than yesterday (thank God)! This session was "Misery-heavy" with a few tastes of "Desire for Deliverance" and a couple "spacious" spots I didn't recognize. I kept nodding off this session - once I nearly fell of my cushion!

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about four times per second. My concentration was diffuse and my legs and head hurt a lot. I shifted my awareness to my sense of touch (skin) and the "vibrations" sped-up to about eight times per second.  "Vibrations" were initially chunky and intense, but soon became much finer and the pain was gone. I slipped into a stories, snapped back, and slipped into stories again. Formations were almost evident, but not quite. Then I dropped back into pain/stories/chunky vibrations and repeated the process. This happened maybe a dozen times.

Observations: I've been feeling very irritable today and have been in persistent pain (headache). I don't know if its the "Dark Night", or the fact that I foolishly decided to stop drinking coffee yesterday, and so am in withdrawals from that (I was drinking a lot of coffee before), but today has been profoundly physically unpleasant. This trip through the "Dark Night" has me thinking and feeling a lot like I've "lost it" and am "not meditating right"; in short, I'm feeling a little lost; the weird counterpart to these feelings is that for the first time, I'm spotting the individual nanas that make up the "Dark Night" and recognizing them as they occur (e.g. Misery, Disgust, etc), which is kind of interesting.

The meditator keeps on meditating largely as before.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about four times per second. My concentration shifted to my sense of touch (skin) and I found "vibrations" had sped-up to four to six times per second. Concentration was diffuse and the vibrations pretty chunky and intense. I slipped into a stories, snapped back, and slipped into stories again. There was quite a bit of aversion to meditation and physical pain. The vibrations became very fine and difficult to observe in a precise way. The rest of the session was characterized by these fine vibrations . . . when I wasn't stuck in stories.
 
Observations: I've been very irritable for the last few days.  This was a very "Dark Night" session what with all the stories, tape loops, pain, etc. It was definitely the most difficult-to-sit-through meditation I've had in a long time. I don't relish being back in the "Dark Night", but I'll be a monkey's uncle if that isn't where I am.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about six times per second. Concentration was diffuse and the vibrations were pretty chunky. I slipped into a brief story, snapped back, concentration was a little more focused, and background processes like the desire and and thought were objects "out there" in the sense-field. The field itself contained data from multiple sense-doors, and it was the field that was vibrating. There was a brief light-show behind my eyelids and some pretty intense physical discomfort. The discomfort would peak and fade and peak again throughout the rest of the session. A couple times I chanced into what I can only guess are "samatha jhanas" - boundless space and the like. They were weird dissociative states that would sort of fade-out as I zeroed in on their transient (vibratory) nature. And that was that session.
 
Observations: Hello, "Dark Night". Nice to see you.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about six times per second. Concentration was moderate. Thoughts were "out there" in the sense-field to be observed as objects. Causality was evident. About fifteen minutes in there was a little sheet-lightening light show. A while later I realized (belatedly) that I was experiencing aversion, physical discomfort, etc. Towards the end the vibrations became pretty rocky, stark, chunky, or whatever you want to call it, although the "Dark Night" sort of unpleasantness did begin to fade.

Observations: No "Fruitions" today. We'll see what the next few sessions bring, but I believe based on the last few sessions that I've dropped out of "Review", and am now in the beginning states of another "cycle". Kind of a bummer; kind of exciting. This weekend has been an exhausting bitch from hell . . . but in a good way. However, good or not, I'm tired, and the prospect of "new" territory in meditation is a little daunting. However, as the kids say, "Ready or not . . .."

Time: 35 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about six times per second. Concentration was diffuse and the "on the ride" feeling of my sessions lately was conspicuously absent. I didn't dip into the sort of consuming story I have been lately early-on in sessions. Concentration was just sort of diffuse and objects were a little mixed-up. I kept hearing bits of songs in my head; other thoughts; bits of stories and tape-loops would play - I'd come back to observing sensory reality . . . but there weren't any "Fruitions" and I'd be hard-pressed to say exactly where I was on the Progress of Insight . . . except that it didn't feel like where I've been hanging-out for the past few weeks.

Observations: Remember when I said, "Rollin', rollin', rollin' - rawhide!" the other day? Well same goes for today . . . except I'll be a monkey's uncle if this isn't new territory for me.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about six times per second. Concentration was diffuse and there was aversion to meditating. I slipped into a brief story and when I snapped back, concentration was much more focused. Background processes like the desire and fear were objects to be observed. "Formations" were evident. There was physical discomfort . . . but its was just "happening" not happening "to me". "Impermanence" presented as a "Door", there was a quick  "blip" of unknowing, and then a physical rapture wave. I was back to diffuse concentration and aversion. Lather, rinse, repeat with a "Not Self" "Door" and another "Fruition". Then I spent the rest of the session hovering around "Equanimity", occasionally nodding-off.

Observations: Rollin', rollin', rollin' - rawhide!

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about  six to eight times per second. Concentration was diffuse. I slipped into a brief story and when I snapped back, concentration was finer and more focused. "Formations" were evident. Background processes like the impulse to control were objects to be observed. The "Door of Not-Self" presented,  "blip", and then a physical rapture wave. Then back to square one, up to a Door of "Unsatisfactoriness", another "Fruition" and bliss waive, then back to square one, up to another "Not-Self Door", "Fruition", and bliss waive, then the session ended somewhere around low "Equanimity".

Observations: This was a session of rapid and obvious cycling. As this Review continues I'm spotting Doors often and the A-then-B-then-C sort of structure to the Progress of Insight is really presenting. The Fruitions are much faster than last Review, and the vibrations themselves seem to have a "slipperyer" quality to them than last time. Background processes, especially the impulse to "do" something and/or "control" or "get" are very clearly present and observable as objects. I'm finding it very helpful to simply let go and allow what happens to happen - simply reminding myself to observe what happens precisely and clearly, understanding that no matter what, the Three Characteristics will be there in some form or other.

Time: 25 minutes.

Situation: In my (parked) car with my eyes closed, sitting as straight as I could manage, with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and noticed my perceptual field vibrating at perhaps four to six times per second. Concentration was a little diffuse. Then I dropped into a little story for a few minutes. Then I "snapped back" and concentration was much tighter. Vibrations had sped-up to maybe 8 or ten times a second. Intentions and thoughts were out there in the sense-field, presenting along with all the other more conventional sense info (e.g., sight and sound). There was a semi-frozen moment of "wow, everything is out there in the sense field - what's left to be me?" then *blip* - an unknowing event - then a wave of physical rapture (vibrating), then concentration was diffuse, I dropped into a little story, I "snapped back" and concentration was tighter and vibrations faster, and so it went.
Observations: This little progression of diffuse concentration, lost in fantasy, snap-back with greater clarity, entry to Equanimity, Door, Fruition, then back into the Dark Night has really been predominant for the past few days. Or at least, I've perceived it clearly for the first time as sort of the way things go. Too, I've noticed a lot more background impulses and thoughts this go round than the last - I'm noticing myself "trying to do" the meditation all the time instead of just observing things arise, exist, and pass away, and complicit with the trying is a whole lot of attempted manipulation - like "Mike, focus on impermanence, that's the door we'll use this go round" instead of just observing things do their respective things. Also, another totally worthwhile observation to make is that this Review is way, way more subtle than the last. The Doors to Fruitions, and even the Fruitions themselves, are much more fast-moving and difficult to perceive consistently or accurately. A friend told me a few weeks ago that First Path and Second path are each like climbing a metal pole, but when you come to climb it on Second Path, you discover that the pole is much thinner than it was on First Path, and some asshole has greased it! My experience with Second Path Review is very initial at this point, but yeah, this metaphor appears apt. Anyway, that's a lot of observations for a 25 minute session - but there you have them.

Time: 35 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: Almost play for play like yesterday.

Observations: N/A.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about six times per second. Concentration was diffuse, there were stories/tape-loops, and there was some physical discomfort and aversion to meditating. Concentrations sharpened kind of suddenly and the observer was back observing sense input, which was clearly "out there" (not the observer). Vibrations were stark and chunky but subtly gave way to finer, more rapid vibration, and the view of the sense-field became panoramic. Thoughts and feelings were evident as objects. Impermanence was predominant. There was a sudden mental shift like I had spaced-out for a second. There was a bodily bliss wave. Then concentration was diffuse and I was back to square one. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Observations: I didn't blog about my meditation yesterday, which was kind of short (20 minutes) after a pretty hectic day. It felt like I experienced "Fruitions". If I am (and I'm still not convinced I'm not just fooling myself) this batch is way harder to recognize as discontinuities in the thought/perception stream. They happen faster and have a more "slippery" quality than the first go round. And in terms of spotting the precipitating "Door", forget about it.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about eight times per second. Concentration was intense and focused. Sense input was clearly discernible as arising from nothing, existing, then vanishing utterly. Background mental processes were objects just as equally as more standard objects like sight and touch.   "Formations" were evident. I tried to clearly discern the either "Not-Self, Impermanence, or Unsatisfactoriness" in each sense-input. I would seem to sort of "fall" into one or another of the  "Three Characteristics" of a given sense-input, there were would be a *blip* of no thought/feeling/memory, then I would come out wondering what just happened. Then physical discomfort and diffuse concentration would be evident, moving swiftly into an "Equanimity-like" territory, then another "fall" in a "Characteristic" . . . repeat, repeat, repeat. End of session.


Observations: I'm super tired. I don't know why, but I am. The blips from this session felt a lot like "Fruitions" to me - on the other hand, I know I could be deceiving myself into thinking that dozing off or spacing out are "Fruitions". That said . . . I know its only been a week or so since I dropped out of "Review" from "First Path" . . . but could I now be in "Review" on "Second Path"? That seems absurdly fast. I guess time will tell.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about eight times per second. Concentration was diffuse. I would briefly drift-off into stories and tape loops. There was some physical discomfort. My awareness transitioned from sight to touch and the speed of vibrations increased. Concentration became more focused and formations began to become evident. Background "stuff" like stress, desire, anxiety, etc were equally objects, flickering in the field. There were several space-outs in there that I'm not quite sure about the nature of. I'm very, very tired (despite getting some extra sleep the past few days) so I'm not sure if I dozed-off or what. There wasn't the (characteristic for me) head-jerk that accompanies nodding off. Whatever those were, I seemed to cycle through the Dark Night and into Equanimity then drop back into Dark Night a few times during this session. Then the session ended.

Observations: I'm not sure where I am or what's going on, but I plan on continuing to observe the true nature of each sense-stimulus as it arises, and see where that takes me - if anywhere.

Time: 45 minutes.  
 
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees. 

Experience: I sat down SUPER angry at someone. Concentration was pretty much shot. Towards the end, the anger and other emotions swirling around sort of shifted out away from the observer and were "out there" in the sense-field. I watched them flicker, concentration ebbed, then came back - lather, rinse, repeat, until end of session.

Observations: N/A.

Time: 45 minutes.  

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees. 

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about six or eight times per second. Concentration was diffuse, there was physical and psychic pain, and stories and tape-loops occurred. I dozed off a few times. Then the vibrations took on a chunky sort of character and physical pain and diffuse concentration were gone. Concentration became fine and the vibrations increased in speed. I dozed off a few more times. Vibrations became less chunky and "smoothed-out" as they increased even more in speed. Background process like hope, effort, watching, expectation, etc became objects in the field. I dozed off a few more times. "Formations" began to become evident somewhere around when the vibrations got chunky and continued to be evident as they (the vibrations) became fine and smooth. Then the session ended.

Observations: I'm super tired today. Its been a long week and both last night and the night before I closed my eyes and instead of falling asleep (almost always a given, and immediate) I was meditating. I would eventually fall asleep, but only to wake up again in meditation. This doesn't mean these involuntary "sessions" were easy or effortless, they were just involuntary. I feel like this session ended in "High Equanimity". This seems impossibly fast given where I was on  the maps a week ago. It makes me wonder if where I am is not where I think I am. It also makes me excited that maybe I am where I think I am, and that's far along fast. I think I'll keep meditating . . . and maybe sleep in tomorrow.

Time: 45 minutes.
 
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees. 

Note: Last night I "dreamed" there was a sudden-strobbing of BRIGHT white light througout my visual field. There was even a loud noise that accompanied it - not a thunder noise, but, like, a banging or something. There was no rain or lighting last night and none of this woke my wife up. But it sure woke me up and today has been a day of physical pain and psychic misery. I'm strongly suspecting "A&P" at this point.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about ten times per second. Concentration was diffuse, there was physical and psychic pain, and stories and tape-loops occurred. My awareness to transition naturally to my skin. At some point during this session the speed of the vibrations increased to maybe twelve or sixteen times per second, but I couldn't say when this began. As the session progressed concentration returned, the misery was still "there" but wasn't so much attached to "me" experiencing it - it was merely readily observable sense-information. Vibrations took on a stark, chunky quality and "formations" were evident. Then the session ended.

Observations: Given last night and today, I suspect I'm in the "Dark Night" . . . with maybe some tastes of "Low Equanimity". This seems a little fast, given that I'm pretty sure that I was still in "First Path Review" on Sunday. Maybe I'm spinning my wheels trying to map so much . . . whatever. The meditator just keeps on doing largely as he did before (meditating). :D

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about four or six times per second. Concentration was diffuse but not in a stories-and-tape-loops-kind-of-way, more just difficulty perceiving each vibration with precision. There was no physical discomfort. My awareness to transition naturally to my skin and the vibrations increased in speed to maybe twelve times per second. Thoughts were "out there" in the sense field in a very "Mind and Body" sort of way. Impermanence was predominant. This place had a neutral feel to it, although that very neutralness was restfull and moderately pleasant. At times sense-door information took on the a "Formation-like" quality, but these periods were brief and these formations were more proto-formations than actual "Formations", if that makes sense. Then the session ended.

Observations: N/A.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about four or six times per second. Concentration was diffuse, stories and tape loops occurred a few times, and there was some physical discomfort. I allowed my awareness to transition to my skin and the vibrations increased in speed to maybe ten or twelve times per second. There was a smooth, fast entry into "Equanimity". "Formations" transitioned from "chunky" and stark in character to fine and fast, then *blip* (an "Unknowing Event" occurred). This all happened within maybe ten or fifteen minutes of sitting down to meditate, and the movement from the Dhukka nanas through "Equanimity" and into "Fruition" was so fast I didn't catch which "Door" appeared. There was a rapture wave after the "Fruition" and then I felt like I was somewhere a little new - but a little familiar too. Usually, I drop back into the Dhukka nanas after a "Fruition", but not this time. Sense-stimuli were all out there in the perceptual field, concentration was diffuse, there was little physical pain, and formations seemed to be "there", but not clearly perceivable - the state was mildly pleasant, although the sensation of diffuse concentration was mildly irksome too.  There was a sort of gut feeling of being "on the ride" again, so to speak - time will tell, but I believe I'm out of "Review" and back at "Mind and Body", which would mean this is the beginning of my second journey through the "Progress of Insight". I hung-out wherever this place was until the session ended.

Observations: I took the "advice of MCTB and began resolving" not to cling to "Review", but just to let the  "Progress of Insight" happen and try to observe sense-phenomena as they are, in the most precise way possible, as fast as they arise. We'll even see if I'm out of "Review", but if I am, I'm betting this resolution had something to do with it. Whatever the case, my game plan is to continue doing what I've been doing.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and immediately perceived my visual field "vibrating" at about four or six times per second. Concentration was diffuse, stories and tape loops occurred a few times, and there was some physical discomfort. I allowed my awareness to transition to my skin and the vibrations increased in speed to maybe ten times per second. There was a somewhat sudden and into "Equanimity", the character of the vibrations began to resemble crude "formations", which were "chunky" and stark, then became progressively more "fine" in texture. "Impermanence" became predominant, then an "Unknowing Event" occurred, there was a long rapturous wave of pleasure, then my legs hurt, my back hurt, concentration was diffuse, there rough entry into "Equanimity" again and formations were evident, vibrations became more fine, but now "Not-Self" was predominant, then an "Unknowing Event", another pleasure wave, then - wow, my legs hurt again . . . all the way back into low "Equanimity". Then the session was over. 

Observations: I haven't had much of chance to meditate for the past three or four days (between a short vacation to Santa Cruz with my wife and then Easter), so it was really nice to hit the cushion again. What with the (pretty in my face) cycling through the nanas 5-10, 11, then 12-14 this all seems like "Review" territory to me, especially in light of a few conversations with other yogis and some reading on the DhO. I don't want to hang in "Review" "too long" since my perceptual abilities seem to have increased to the point where I can tell I'm being sloppy in my observation of objects, but can't quite get "unsloppy" yet - its sort of like a doctor who has enough skill to diagnose your illness, but not enough skill to treat it. I want to move into the next Progress of Insight. I feel like its been about two weeks of "Review" now, and I'm getting a little sick of it in this respect - although "Fruitions" are fun. Anyway . . . all that happened . . . hope you all are having a great day today! Oh - one more thing: this was the first time that the "Door" to the "Unknowing Event" was clear to me . . . before there was just observation of rapidly updating "formations",then "Unknowing Event" - this time, the progression was readily observable, which was cool.