Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and awareness settled on touch-sense and sight-sense. Sensations presented from both sense-doors (sight and touch) simultaneously, and flickered in and out of existence at a rate of about eight times per second. Concentration was moderate and and equanimity was high. I reminded myself what the Three Characteristics are and let go of "doing" the meditation. Thoughts were observable as objects. I fell into a story. When I popped out, concentration and equanimity were high. The flickering of sensations had increased to maybe twelve times per second. The arbitrary assignment of "self-hood" to sense-objects was very clear and a little irritating. Sensations arose and passed on their own without any help from me. The flickering increased even more. I wasn't "doing" anything, the sensations simply arose and passed. This session flew by. 

Observations: N/A.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and awareness settled on touch-sense. Sensations flickered in and out of existence at a rate of about six times per second. Concentration and equanimity were moderate. I reminded myself what the Three Characteristics are. Thoughts were observable as objects. I fell into a story. When I popped out, concentration and equanimity were increased slightly and the flickering of sensations was more rapid (maybe ten times per second). The arbitrary assignment of "self-hood" to sense-objects was apparent. I let go of "doing" the meditation, and simply allowed sensations to do their thing. There was a mental (almost physical) "clunk" as discursive thought stopped completely. Sensations arose, did their thing, and passed. I dozed-off briefly a few times. There was some physical discomfort and aversion present. Unlike most sessions recently, this one did not fly by. 

Observations: As I write this, discursive thought is slowly booting-up again.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and awareness settled on touch-sense. Sensations flickered in and out of existence at a rate of about twelve times per second. Concentration and equanimity were very high. I reminded myself what the Three Characteristics are. Tingling sensations in my forehead told me some of the Pure Land Jhanas were out there should I choose to solidify them. I stuck with seeing Three Characteristics in each sensation. Mind-objects were observable as objects. I fell into a story. When I popped out, concentration and equanimity were even more intense. The arbitrary assignment of "self-hood" to sense-objects was apparent. Then I decided to let go: to stop seeing, just let seeing see; to stop hearing, to just let hearing hear - I let go of concentrating, and just let observing observe; I let go of "doing" and just allowed all sensations do what they do without "me": present. The flickering of sensations was very fast and fine. The arbitrary assignment of "self-hood" pretty much stopped. Sensations from multiple sense-doors presented in each moment. The demarcation between sensation and no-sensation in each "flickering" was very clear. A few times, experience seemed to skip a beat, with no memory of the interval. The session ended. Time had flown by.
 
Observations: I felt like I was coming up out of deep water after this session. I haven't blogged about my session over the last few days because I've been busy unpacking after the move, but they've all been more or less like this one (although this one evinced even higher than normal concentration and equanimity, when have been pretty much super-high before this session reset my idea of "high"). Onward.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and awareness settled on touch-sense and sight-sense. The sensations of both presented - not quite in sync. All sense-doors were vibrating when I tuned into them; not all at the same moment, but some at the same moment. Sensations flickered in and out of existence at a rate of about twelve times per second. Concentration and Equanimity were high. I reminded myself what the Three Characteristics are. Tingling sensations in my forehead and the crown of my head told me some of the Pure Land Jhanas were attainable if I solidified them. I stuck with seeing the seeing the Three Characteristics in each sensation. I fell into stories a few times. At one point, discursive thought ceased and it was a long time before it slowly rebooted. Thoughts were objects to be noted. Each time a felt sense of self was observed, it was labeled as what it was: data from a sense-door. Multiple times, there was the sensation of "just" sense-data presenting without a sense of observing it do so. This session flew by. In its wake, I feel almost sedated in this weird hyper-aware sort of way.
   
Observations: N/A.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and awareness settled on touch-sense and sight-sense. The sensations of both presented simultaneously in each moment. I tuned into hearing-sense and it presented simultaneously too. These sensations flickered in and out of existence at a rate of about fifteen or eighteen times per second. Concentration and Equanimity were high. I reminded myself what the Three Characteristics are. Tingling sensations in my forehead and the crown of my head told me some of the Pure Land Jhanas operating out there. I did not solidify them, but rather focused on seeing the Three Characteristics in each sensation. I fell into stories a few times. Thoughts arose. The arbitrary selfing process was visible - paying attention to it almost "got in the way" of observing sensations. At one point discursive though turned-off briefly - there were just no thoughts. Momentum faded as this session progressed. By the end concentration was moderate to low.

Observations: N/A

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and awareness settled on touch-sense. Sensations flickered in and out of existence at a rate of about five times per second. Concentration and Equanimity were moderate. There were sensations of fear and anxiety. I reminded myself what the Three Characteristics are. I fell into a brief story, popped out, fell into another, popped out again. Sensations sped-up quite a bit - I'm not really sure how fast they were going. Concentration and Equanimity were high. The Three Characteristics were clearly apparent in each sensation. The arbitrary assignment of "self" to sensations was very visible. Sensations began to present simultaneously from multiple sense-doors. The yawning chasm of nothingness between sensations almost had a gravity to it. From a visual perspective, I fell into blackness. It spread from a pool in the visual field until everything was empty blackness. Non-visual sensations were still presenting, but vision was blackness. This experience faded and vision "came on line" again. Sensations were still presenting simultaneously from multiple sense-doors. Realizations came. One after another about self and other, two sides of the same coin. The skin tingled. This session seemed to go on and on.

Observations: This week has been busy. My wife and I moved so the last several days have been all about cleaning, packing, assembling, and unpacking. Its been exhausting and my home office is still essentially solid boxes. That's why I haven't updated this blog for a while . . . no computer or internet. But I continued to meditate during this time, and the session described above (though a little farther out there than they have been on average) is about par for the course. "Visions" of other people who are "me". Realizations piling up on each other. Its been far out. I'll keep you apprized.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and awareness settled on touch-sense and sight-sense. The sensations flickered in and out of existence in tandem at a rate of about seven times per second. The flickering had a moderately rough texture to it, but after about a minute it smoothed out quite a bit. Concentration and Equanimity were high and there was a sense of anticipation. I reminded myself what the Three Characteristics are. I fell into a brief story, popped out, fell into another, popped out again. Sensations sped-up to about twelve or so times per second. The sense of anticipation was replaced with a sense of existential fatigue - a sense of just being so over the whole selfing process. Concentration and Equanimity were both very high. The Three Characteristics were clearly apparent in each block of sense-data. The arbitrary assignment of "self" to sensations was transparent, and the fact that it was exhausting and sucked in a deeply painful way was very clear. Awareness inclined towards the space between "flickers. I was aware that time was passing during this session, but the session still seemed to fly by. I feel like I could have continued meditating forever.

Observations: I had a few deep insights into not-self in this session. Its hard to pinpoint exactly where they occurred in the session, and they had a fruition-like *blip* factor to them. Weird.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and awareness settled on touch-sense. Touch-sensations flickered in and out of existence at a rate of about four times per second. The flickering had a rough/chunky texture to it. Concentration and Equanimity were high. I reminded myself what the Three Characteristics are. I fell into an absorbing story; when I popped out, the flickering of sensations had sped-up to maybe eight or ten times per second, and they had a finer quality to them. Concentration and Equanimity were both very high. Sensations from two or sense-doors presented simultaneously. Sensations were not presented in a medium; it was as if there was nothing but sensation and no-sensation. Sensations were clearly not self, and neither were their absence. Sensations arose, and did their thing, and vanished completely, all without any connection to "me". The arbitrary assignment of "self" to sensations was transparent. Awareness inclined towards the space between "flickers. I was aware that time was passing during this session, but it still seemed to fly by.

Observations: I feel close to something - not sure what that something is, or if I'm fooling myself, but the feeling is here.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and awareness settled on touch-sense. Touch-sensations flickered in and out of existence at a rate of about six times per second. Concentration and Equanimity were high. I reminded myself what the Three Characteristics are. I fell into a few stories, and after popping out of the second one, the flickering of sensations had sped-up and Concentration and Equanimity were both very high. Data from multiple sense-doors presented simultaneously in each moment. The arbitrary assignment of "self" to phenomena was transparent in each moment. Awareness inclined towards the space between "flickers". Although aware that time was passing, this session seemed to fly by.

Observations: N/A.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and awareness settled on touch-sense. Touch-sensations flickered in and out of existence at a rate of about six times a second. Concentration was high . . . but there was also some anxiety. I reminded myself to look for the Three Characteristics. Mind-objects such as thoughts, feelings, and urges were sensations to be observed. I fell into story and when I popped out, the flickering of sensations had increased in speed to about ten times per second. Concentration and Equanimity were high. Anxiety was gone. Data from three or four sense-doors presented simultaneously in each moment. Proprioception was "off" in a way I've come to associate with the immaterial and pure land jhanas operating in the background. Awareness inclined towards the space between "flickers" of object-organ awareness. The process of assigning "selfness" to objects was apparent. Concentration flagged. The session ended.

Observations: N/A.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and after some distractions, awareness settled on touch-sense. Touch-sensations flickered in and out of existence at a rate of about six times a second. Concentration was high and Equanimity was moderate. I reminded myself to look hard at each sensation for the Three Characteristics. I fell into a series of stories and when I popped out, the flickering of sensations had increased in speed to maybe twelve times per second. Concentration and Equanimity were both very high. For the first time in my experience, data from all the sense-doors presented simultaneously in each flicker. This session ended

Observations: N/A.

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and awareness settled on touch-sense. Touch-sensations arose, did their thing, and passed away utterly into nothingness at a rate of about six or eight times a second. Concentration and Equanimity were both pretty high. I reminded myself to look hard at each sensation for the Three Characteristics. I fell into a series of stories and when I popped out, the arising and passing of sensations had increased in speed to maybe twelve or more times per second. Concentration and Equanimity were through the roof. Data from multiple sense-doors presented simultaneously. I had a realization that thoughts, urges, fantasies, and feeling tones were just data presenting at the mind-door. I had a realization that sensations did not arise, do their thing, and pass away in sign-wave-like-fashion as I had previously conceived, rather sensations present in a binary fashion: existing or not existing. Formless realms and some of the Pure Land Jhanas were in the background, but I didn't attempt to stabilize those states, so they passed away in time. The selfing process seemed almost translucent, or languid, or faint - its hard to describe; assigning a sense of self to sense-data seemed almost like more trouble than it was worth. This session seemed to last a long time. 

Observations: N/A.

Untitled

Time: 65 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and immediately fell into a series of short stories. Equanimity was high, but concentration was low. Eventually, awareness settled on the sense of touch. Sensations were flickering in and out of existence at a rate of about five times per second or so. I reminded myself to watch each sensation for the Three Characteristics and to watch out for a sense of "me" observing (and if I saw that, to trace it to the applicable Aggregate). I fell in and out of stories and slowly Concentration picked-up. After a while, Equanimity and Concentration were both high, and sensations were presenting maybe a dozen times per second or more. Data from multiple sense-doors was presenting simultaneously (what I call "Formations"). But, though I felt like speed and precision were up, and the selfing process was more or less "phoning it in", really seeing the Three Characteristics in each sensation proved very hard. This was a very, very slippery session that way.

Observations: I have the strangest feeling of being close to the objective, but hopelessly lost at the same time; as if caught up in a hedge-maze or something.

Untitled

Time: 50 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I reminded myself to watch each sensation for any/all of the Three Characteristics and to see if there was ever a felt sense of an observer (read "me") and if so, to investigate that to see what sensation I was labeling "me". I closed my eyes and awareness settled on the sense of touch. Sensations were flickering in and out of existence at a rate of about six times per second. The flickering had a very subtle, fine quality to it. When I spotted a sense of observer, I explored that sense to see which of the Five Aggregates it was, and THEN tried to see the Three Characteristic's in that aggregate.  Concentration and equanimity were both high. I fell into little stories from time to time, but only briefly. I also almost dozed-off a few times.

Observations: I was pretty tired this session, and I felt it. There were a few times when I was definitely asleep sitting up for a moment. The selfing-process seems to be labeling sensations as "me" with less passion and vigor each session, but the sensations which are themselves being labeled "me" are becoming more and more subtle each session too. I find I'm having difficulty being hyper-precise in my investigation of the Three Characteristics in each sensation because the sensations themselves are happening so quickly and "quietly" (for lack of a better word). It doesn't help that I'm (apparently) exhausted either.

Unitlted

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and awareness settled on the sense of touch. Sensations were flickering in and out of existence at a rate of about six times per second. I reminded myself to watch each sensation for the Three Characteristics and to watch out for a sense of "me" observing. When I spotted a sense of observer, I explored that sense to see which of the Five Aggregates it was, and THEN tried to see the Three Characteristic's in that aggregate.  Concentration and equanimity were both high. I fell into little stories from time to time. The felt sense of an observer, relative to the last few sessions, was weaker last session, and even weaker this session.

Observations: N/A.

Untitled

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and reminded myself to watch for a "felt sense of the observer" and to see which of the Five Aggregates was being assigned this sense, and then see the Three Characteristic's in that aggregate. Awareness settled on the sense of touch. Sensations were arising, doing their thing, and passing at a rate of about six per second. Concentration and equanimity were both moderate. I fell into a little story and popped back. Observed touch-sensations flickering in and out of existence. Then fell into a story again. This happened two or three times. Then I popped out and concentration and equanimity were both high. Sensation/sense-organ/consciousness (contact) would occur, a feeling-tone would arise, a thought, then an urge; lather, rinse, repeat. The assigned sense of self would be to one of those aggregates, and wherever it was seen, the chain would end and the urge to observe sensate phenomena would start the chain over. I fell into stories several more times. The "assigning" of self seems to be less, I don't know, "passionate" maybe, this last session. Its as if the meditator is starting to catch on that selfing is fiction - that there is nothing that is self more or less than anything else, and that the process of selfing is inherrently and endlessly flawed. 

Observations: This last session was tiring, but not as exhausting as they have been on average lately. Couple that with the fact that the selfing process is happening with a little less enthusiasm and certainty than it has been in the past, and I think the meditator may be catching on. Time will tell.

Untitled

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and reminded myself to watch for a "felt sense of the observer" and to see which of the Five Aggregates was being assigned this sense, and then see the Three Characteristic's in that aggregate. I  began by observing touch-sensations flickering in and out of existence at about six to eight times per second. Strength of concentration and equanimity were both high. I fell into a little story and popped back. A touch-sensation would occur, I'd recognize it, I'd have a feeling about it, a thought about the preceding, and then an urge to pay attention to touch-sensations, then I'd be back at square-one. Somewhere in that chain I'd "find" the felt-sense-of-the-observer. There were lots of little stories I'd fall into. But I always popped back. A lot of the higher jhanas were in the background of this session (infinite space and infinite consciousness for sure). I didn't endeavor to stabilize them, and they stopped presenting after a bit. I started to run out of juice about 80% of the way through this session.      


Observations: I'm still trying to get a grip on the Five Aggregates and how they work - I need to do some more research. This practice is grueling concentration-wise - but the insights into the selfing process are interesting and feel as though they're relevant. Onward.