Time: 30 minutes.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and was instantly aware of my perceptual-field vibrating rapidly. The vibrations were very, very fine and fast. About half-way in there was a pretty intense light show behind my eyelids - made all the more intense for vibrating at high speed. My focus was quite solid. Once or twice multiple sense-doors seemed to be vibrating at once. This session was characterized by an extremely stable sense of equanimity which, upon investigation, was itself vibrating along with the rest of my perceptual-field.
Observations: N/A
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Time: 45 minutes.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and was instantly aware of my perceptual-field vibrating rapidly. At first the vibrations were very fine and then later in the practice they became like TV snow. There were some mild light-shows behind my eyelids about 20 minutes in. My focus was pretty solidly on my sense-doors, although two or three times it wondered. There were a handful of times that multiple sense-doors seemed to be vibrating at once and such that it was difficult to differentiate which one was which. This session was characterized by a back and forth between equanimity and a diffuse sadness that the equanimity was impermanent and would not satisfy. I investigated this sadness and found that it too vibrated and had the Three Characteristics.
Observations: This session was a little tiring and a little liberating. It was useful to be able to concentrate a little more than I've been able to lately, and in that sense it was a refreshing session. But it was also pretty tiring in that a lot of it seemed to involve confronting my VERY PERVASIVE HABIT of clinging to pleasant phenomena and rejecting unpleasant ones. I'll keep on trucking and try to take the advice I've been given on DhO to "have fun" with equanimity.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and was instantly aware of my perceptual-field vibrating rapidly. At first the vibrations were very fine and then later in the practice they became like TV snow. There were some mild light-shows behind my eyelids about 20 minutes in. My focus was pretty solidly on my sense-doors, although two or three times it wondered. There were a handful of times that multiple sense-doors seemed to be vibrating at once and such that it was difficult to differentiate which one was which. This session was characterized by a back and forth between equanimity and a diffuse sadness that the equanimity was impermanent and would not satisfy. I investigated this sadness and found that it too vibrated and had the Three Characteristics.
Observations: This session was a little tiring and a little liberating. It was useful to be able to concentrate a little more than I've been able to lately, and in that sense it was a refreshing session. But it was also pretty tiring in that a lot of it seemed to involve confronting my VERY PERVASIVE HABIT of clinging to pleasant phenomena and rejecting unpleasant ones. I'll keep on trucking and try to take the advice I've been given on DhO to "have fun" with equanimity.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Time: 45 minutes.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and was instantly aware of my perceptual field vibrating in and out of existence at perhaps 12 frames per second. The vibrations were quite fine and it almost, but not quite, like TV snow. I let go of my desire to cling phenomena; I let go of my desire to reject it. My focus would wonder and I would get caught-up every now and then in stories and tape loops. The experience was characterized by a some effort, and to that extent, the equanimity so typically a part of my sessions of late was diminished.
Observations: I still feel a little out of sorts - my head hurts and I'm very tired. But this session was much more like those of earlier this week than of the past few days. My concentration is coming back and equanimity is presenting. I will continue to allow the sense-doors to vibrate without interference from me and to allow the Three Characteristics to present. Time will pass, most likely.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, Burmese-style with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and was instantly aware of my perceptual field vibrating in and out of existence at perhaps 12 frames per second. The vibrations were quite fine and it almost, but not quite, like TV snow. I let go of my desire to cling phenomena; I let go of my desire to reject it. My focus would wonder and I would get caught-up every now and then in stories and tape loops. The experience was characterized by a some effort, and to that extent, the equanimity so typically a part of my sessions of late was diminished.
Observations: I still feel a little out of sorts - my head hurts and I'm very tired. But this session was much more like those of earlier this week than of the past few days. My concentration is coming back and equanimity is presenting. I will continue to allow the sense-doors to vibrate without interference from me and to allow the Three Characteristics to present. Time will pass, most likely.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Time: 30 minutes.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and was instantly aware of my perceptual field vibrating in and out of existence at perhaps 8 frames per second; my concentration was very diffuse so I had trouble really investigating them. I tried to "let go" as much as possible and simply allow vibrations to present at my sense doors without my "trying" to observe them. I got tired quickly, but this was my practice for this session.
Observations: I haven't felt quite myself for the past few days - I think I'm fighting a flu or something. My concentration has been sub par. Its all I can do to sit down and try to meditate. I guess I'll embrace that - I'll sit down and experience my desire not to meditate as thoroughly as possible. I won't cling and I won't reject. The sense-doors vibrate of their own accord - "I" does not perceive.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and was instantly aware of my perceptual field vibrating in and out of existence at perhaps 8 frames per second; my concentration was very diffuse so I had trouble really investigating them. I tried to "let go" as much as possible and simply allow vibrations to present at my sense doors without my "trying" to observe them. I got tired quickly, but this was my practice for this session.
Observations: I haven't felt quite myself for the past few days - I think I'm fighting a flu or something. My concentration has been sub par. Its all I can do to sit down and try to meditate. I guess I'll embrace that - I'll sit down and experience my desire not to meditate as thoroughly as possible. I won't cling and I won't reject. The sense-doors vibrate of their own accord - "I" does not perceive.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Time: 40 minutes.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and was instantly aware of my perceptual field vibrating in and out of existence at perhaps 10 times per second - they were so fine they were like TV snow. I became aware of a "tightness" in my consciousness that was caused by me trying to "do" the meditation instead of allowing the vibrations to simply present at the sense-doors. I began to give up, over and over, and allowed the vibrations to do their thing without effort or interference from me. When I did this the "tightness" went away. I realized that the Third Characteristic (unsatisfactoriness) was presenting strong - I relaxed and allowed this to happen or not happen; it continued to present, and the session was further characterized by lots more formations than in previous sessions as well as the same deep, cool tranquility I have been experiencing lately.
Observations: This was the first time I've been able to really let go and allow my sense-doors to register phenomena without me trying to control the process. I don't think its a coincidence that this was the first time one of the Three Characteristics has really begun to present during the my experience of the 11th Stage of Insight. I'm planning on continuing to practice in this way - we'll see what happens. Oh, and by the way - the sensation of really, truly giving up control over the observational process was incredibly relaxing and pleasant.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and was instantly aware of my perceptual field vibrating in and out of existence at perhaps 10 times per second - they were so fine they were like TV snow. I became aware of a "tightness" in my consciousness that was caused by me trying to "do" the meditation instead of allowing the vibrations to simply present at the sense-doors. I began to give up, over and over, and allowed the vibrations to do their thing without effort or interference from me. When I did this the "tightness" went away. I realized that the Third Characteristic (unsatisfactoriness) was presenting strong - I relaxed and allowed this to happen or not happen; it continued to present, and the session was further characterized by lots more formations than in previous sessions as well as the same deep, cool tranquility I have been experiencing lately.
Observations: This was the first time I've been able to really let go and allow my sense-doors to register phenomena without me trying to control the process. I don't think its a coincidence that this was the first time one of the Three Characteristics has really begun to present during the my experience of the 11th Stage of Insight. I'm planning on continuing to practice in this way - we'll see what happens. Oh, and by the way - the sensation of really, truly giving up control over the observational process was incredibly relaxing and pleasant.
Time: 40 minutes.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and was instantly aware of my perceptual field vibrating in and out of existence at perhaps 6 times per second. These vibrations were my Object for this session. Around five minutes in I observed some strobe-light-effects behind my eyelids; they were quite bright. The session was characterized by a very cool, detached calm. From time to time I observed myself wanting to control or "do" the meditation, that these desires vibrated along with everything else, and tried to let them go and just allow my organs of perception do the perceiving, not "me." Then things seemed to "sync-up" and I observed all my the sense-doors vibrating at once "over there" while the Watcher observed "over here." This didn't last long, but was very intense. Then things went back to individual sense door vibrations.
Observations: When things "synced-up" I think I observed formations. This an encouraging sign and I credit it to unfabricated observation. I will continue to try and let go and observe my perceptual field pulse in and out of existence.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and was instantly aware of my perceptual field vibrating in and out of existence at perhaps 6 times per second. These vibrations were my Object for this session. Around five minutes in I observed some strobe-light-effects behind my eyelids; they were quite bright. The session was characterized by a very cool, detached calm. From time to time I observed myself wanting to control or "do" the meditation, that these desires vibrated along with everything else, and tried to let them go and just allow my organs of perception do the perceiving, not "me." Then things seemed to "sync-up" and I observed all my the sense-doors vibrating at once "over there" while the Watcher observed "over here." This didn't last long, but was very intense. Then things went back to individual sense door vibrations.
Observations: When things "synced-up" I think I observed formations. This an encouraging sign and I credit it to unfabricated observation. I will continue to try and let go and observe my perceptual field pulse in and out of existence.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Time: 50 minutes.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and took maybe half a breath before I observed my perceptual field vibrating in and out of existence at 4 to 6 times per second. I observed this phenomena for the entirety of the session. From time to time a desire to cling to pleasant perceptions would arise, or conversely to avoid unpleasant ones, and I would turn my attention to the stress these desires invariably caused, and to the fact that these desires themselves were, along with the phenomena to which they related, vibrating in and out of existence at a tremendous rate of speed. Towards the end of the session, my perceptual field took on the quality of exceptionally fine TV snow. From beginning to end the session was characterized by a very smooth and detached calm which, along with everything else, vibrated.
Observations: No real observations to make today. More of the same and a sense that thing are on a trend to becoming more refined.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I closed my eyes and took maybe half a breath before I observed my perceptual field vibrating in and out of existence at 4 to 6 times per second. I observed this phenomena for the entirety of the session. From time to time a desire to cling to pleasant perceptions would arise, or conversely to avoid unpleasant ones, and I would turn my attention to the stress these desires invariably caused, and to the fact that these desires themselves were, along with the phenomena to which they related, vibrating in and out of existence at a tremendous rate of speed. Towards the end of the session, my perceptual field took on the quality of exceptionally fine TV snow. From beginning to end the session was characterized by a very smooth and detached calm which, along with everything else, vibrated.
Observations: No real observations to make today. More of the same and a sense that thing are on a trend to becoming more refined.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Time: 50 minutes.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I began with my attention on the inside of my nostrils and observed the vibratory sensation of the breath as it crossed that spot. Within two or three breaths though, my whole experiential-field began to strobe "in and out" rapidly - perhaps 6 to 8 times per second. I shifted my attention to this sensation and observed this "nothing/something/nothing/something" phenomena. This was my Object for this session. Also, the session itself was characterized by an almost effortless deep tranquility.
Observations: I've self-diagnosed my map-position as High Equanimity and have been (1) confused of late as to what my Object should be at this stage and (2) plagued by a desire to "do" the meditation and thereby "make" (read: force) something to happen. This has resulted in a lot of discomfort and frustration. I posted on DhO as to what my object should be and received this helpful advice and link. It made A LOT OF SENSE once I realized that I had been attempting to force by concentration to stay on the breath as the Object when all the while my awareness was sort of being sucked into the experiential-field as the Object. So I gave it a shot and session went way more smooth and naturally than the past few, so I feel like I'm on the right track. Also, I revisited this article on effort during practice, and tried to put its "just allow observation to do its natural thing" advice into practice - this really seemed to allow me to relax into High Equanimity and just witness the vibratory quality of things at a bare sensate level.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I began with my attention on the inside of my nostrils and observed the vibratory sensation of the breath as it crossed that spot. Within two or three breaths though, my whole experiential-field began to strobe "in and out" rapidly - perhaps 6 to 8 times per second. I shifted my attention to this sensation and observed this "nothing/something/nothing/something" phenomena. This was my Object for this session. Also, the session itself was characterized by an almost effortless deep tranquility.
Observations: I've self-diagnosed my map-position as High Equanimity and have been (1) confused of late as to what my Object should be at this stage and (2) plagued by a desire to "do" the meditation and thereby "make" (read: force) something to happen. This has resulted in a lot of discomfort and frustration. I posted on DhO as to what my object should be and received this helpful advice and link. It made A LOT OF SENSE once I realized that I had been attempting to force by concentration to stay on the breath as the Object when all the while my awareness was sort of being sucked into the experiential-field as the Object. So I gave it a shot and session went way more smooth and naturally than the past few, so I feel like I'm on the right track. Also, I revisited this article on effort during practice, and tried to put its "just allow observation to do its natural thing" advice into practice - this really seemed to allow me to relax into High Equanimity and just witness the vibratory quality of things at a bare sensate level.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Time: 3 sessions - about 50 minutes each.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus.
Experience: I settled my attention on the inside of my nostrils and observed the vibratory quality of the sensation of the breath as it passed that spot. Shortly, I observed a pressure build between my eyes, but kept my attention focused on the breath. Pleasant surges of sensation coursed through my arms and torso and there were some light-effects behind my eyelids. My perspective widened-out from the narrow focus on the object (breath). There was a sense of deep calm, but also of effort and "need." A few times the thoughts and sensations I normally experience as distinct vibrations of touch, or sound, or thought, etc., seemed to coalesce into single "blocks" and to vibrate in those blocks as one "thing." Every session was characterized by the sense that there is something big looming and a strong desire on my part to "get there."
Observations: These sessions were characterized by a strange mixture of calm and effort - they were all pretty exhausting. I feel like I'm close to some profound insights and want desperately to make those insights - I try to turn my attention to this desire and to watch it vibrate along with the rest of my perceptual universe, but the desire doesn't go away. Its occurred to me several times today that I'm trying to "make" myself get somewhere by observing things as they are instead of JUST observing things as they are. I need to let go.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus.
Experience: I settled my attention on the inside of my nostrils and observed the vibratory quality of the sensation of the breath as it passed that spot. Shortly, I observed a pressure build between my eyes, but kept my attention focused on the breath. Pleasant surges of sensation coursed through my arms and torso and there were some light-effects behind my eyelids. My perspective widened-out from the narrow focus on the object (breath). There was a sense of deep calm, but also of effort and "need." A few times the thoughts and sensations I normally experience as distinct vibrations of touch, or sound, or thought, etc., seemed to coalesce into single "blocks" and to vibrate in those blocks as one "thing." Every session was characterized by the sense that there is something big looming and a strong desire on my part to "get there."
Observations: These sessions were characterized by a strange mixture of calm and effort - they were all pretty exhausting. I feel like I'm close to some profound insights and want desperately to make those insights - I try to turn my attention to this desire and to watch it vibrate along with the rest of my perceptual universe, but the desire doesn't go away. Its occurred to me several times today that I'm trying to "make" myself get somewhere by observing things as they are instead of JUST observing things as they are. I need to let go.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Time: 60 minutes
Situation: In a quiet room with my eyes closed, 1/4 lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I settled my attention on the area just inside my nostrils and observed the breath pass to and fro across that area paying special attention to the interplay between the sensation and my mental impression of that sensation (vibrations). The vibrations were perhaps ten per second. Without getting into too much detail, I felt as though I rapidly cycled through the first ten stages of insight in five minutes or so, and landed squarely in eleven.
At first, the vibrations were exceptionally fine and included only my experience of the interplay between the physical experience of the breath and the mental perception of that experience. But slowly, and in a jarring sort of way, the vibrations began to include not just the breath (touch), but all my senses, including mind. It was as though my senses in each moment were suspended on a piece of paper (inadequate metaphor) and the pile of paper that made-up my experiential universe over time was being gone through flip-book style in front "me" even though essentially everything that is "me" was on that paper. As in my last sessions, the sense of a Watcher was palpable.
Observations: This session was taxing - maybe its just that I'm tired but I found it hard to muster the energy to keep-up with the experience of my sense-universe, and then when everything shifted out of my head and body to "out there" to be observed like a rapid frame-by-frame of my existence, that was just bizarre. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed to say the least.
Situation: In a quiet room with my eyes closed, 1/4 lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I settled my attention on the area just inside my nostrils and observed the breath pass to and fro across that area paying special attention to the interplay between the sensation and my mental impression of that sensation (vibrations). The vibrations were perhaps ten per second. Without getting into too much detail, I felt as though I rapidly cycled through the first ten stages of insight in five minutes or so, and landed squarely in eleven.
At first, the vibrations were exceptionally fine and included only my experience of the interplay between the physical experience of the breath and the mental perception of that experience. But slowly, and in a jarring sort of way, the vibrations began to include not just the breath (touch), but all my senses, including mind. It was as though my senses in each moment were suspended on a piece of paper (inadequate metaphor) and the pile of paper that made-up my experiential universe over time was being gone through flip-book style in front "me" even though essentially everything that is "me" was on that paper. As in my last sessions, the sense of a Watcher was palpable.
Observations: This session was taxing - maybe its just that I'm tired but I found it hard to muster the energy to keep-up with the experience of my sense-universe, and then when everything shifted out of my head and body to "out there" to be observed like a rapid frame-by-frame of my existence, that was just bizarre. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed to say the least.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Time: 60 minutes
Situation: In a quiet room with my eyes closed, 1/4 lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I settled my attention on the area just inside my nostrils and observed the breath pass to and fro across that area paying special attention to the interplay between the sensation and my mental impression of that sensation. Shortly, I experienced a sensation of pressure build between my eyebrows, but instead of shifting my attention to that sensation as I usually do, I maintained my attention on the sensation/impression of the breath - the interplay became very fine (rapid vibrations - perhaps four to ten per second).
At some point things got a little discordant. It was as if multiple sense-doors were being accessed at the same time during each vibration and it became very difficult to discern the beginning, middle, and end of each vibration as well as the new "multiple personality" of the vibrations. I tried to "open up" to this experience and allow myself to observe these new, more three dimensional vibrations, but they were still extremely rapid and fine and I found myself feeling as if I couldn't "fully experience" one before it was gone and a new one had arisen.
I also found myself noticing a sort of third-player in all of this. Until now I have observed the interplay between sensation and mental impression of that sensation without really experiencing a "Watcher" doing the observing. During this session the sense of a Watcher was palpable. As with last session, this one really seemed to go quickly.
Observations: Despite how fast this session seemed to go by, it was hard work. I'm not used to these new mutli-sense vibrations and, combined with the Watcher-factor, the experience was, despite a very fine and smooth experiential quality, a little jarring and difficult keep track of.
Situation: In a quiet room with my eyes closed, 1/4 lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I settled my attention on the area just inside my nostrils and observed the breath pass to and fro across that area paying special attention to the interplay between the sensation and my mental impression of that sensation. Shortly, I experienced a sensation of pressure build between my eyebrows, but instead of shifting my attention to that sensation as I usually do, I maintained my attention on the sensation/impression of the breath - the interplay became very fine (rapid vibrations - perhaps four to ten per second).
At some point things got a little discordant. It was as if multiple sense-doors were being accessed at the same time during each vibration and it became very difficult to discern the beginning, middle, and end of each vibration as well as the new "multiple personality" of the vibrations. I tried to "open up" to this experience and allow myself to observe these new, more three dimensional vibrations, but they were still extremely rapid and fine and I found myself feeling as if I couldn't "fully experience" one before it was gone and a new one had arisen.
I also found myself noticing a sort of third-player in all of this. Until now I have observed the interplay between sensation and mental impression of that sensation without really experiencing a "Watcher" doing the observing. During this session the sense of a Watcher was palpable. As with last session, this one really seemed to go quickly.
Observations: Despite how fast this session seemed to go by, it was hard work. I'm not used to these new mutli-sense vibrations and, combined with the Watcher-factor, the experience was, despite a very fine and smooth experiential quality, a little jarring and difficult keep track of.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Time: 60 minutes
Situation: In a quiet room with my eyes closed, 1/4 lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I settled my attention on the area just inside my nostrils and observed my breath cross that area, watching the interplay between the sensation and my mental impression of the sensation. Shortly, I observed a sensation of pressure build up between my eyes and I shifted my attention to that - again, watching the interplay between mental impression and sensation. There were some low-grade light shows behind my eyelids, big spots and dull sheet-lightning. My mind was still pretty unsettled, and I often caught myself playing stories and tape loops.
Then things really opened up and evened out. What I mean by that is that my mental perspective became much more spacious (in fact there was a point where I had the distinct and prolonged sensation of being suspended out over the edge of a precipice without sides or bottom) and my perception of things took on a quality of exceptionally fine TV snow rather the more "chunky" vibratory quality I have been experiencing until now. This TV snow thing got finer and finer. Towards the end of the session I began to experience difficulty delineating where my physical body began and ended. Also, my concept of time departed from what I've come to associate with the norm - for example, this session really flew by.
Observations: This session started out mildly rocky, but even so was way more pleasant to sit through than the ones preceding it, and had a really relaxed easy-going quality that seemed to increase the longer I sat - towards the end this quality felt just incredibly refined and subtle.
Situation: In a quiet room with my eyes closed, 1/4 lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I settled my attention on the area just inside my nostrils and observed my breath cross that area, watching the interplay between the sensation and my mental impression of the sensation. Shortly, I observed a sensation of pressure build up between my eyes and I shifted my attention to that - again, watching the interplay between mental impression and sensation. There were some low-grade light shows behind my eyelids, big spots and dull sheet-lightning. My mind was still pretty unsettled, and I often caught myself playing stories and tape loops.
Then things really opened up and evened out. What I mean by that is that my mental perspective became much more spacious (in fact there was a point where I had the distinct and prolonged sensation of being suspended out over the edge of a precipice without sides or bottom) and my perception of things took on a quality of exceptionally fine TV snow rather the more "chunky" vibratory quality I have been experiencing until now. This TV snow thing got finer and finer. Towards the end of the session I began to experience difficulty delineating where my physical body began and ended. Also, my concept of time departed from what I've come to associate with the norm - for example, this session really flew by.
Observations: This session started out mildly rocky, but even so was way more pleasant to sit through than the ones preceding it, and had a really relaxed easy-going quality that seemed to increase the longer I sat - towards the end this quality felt just incredibly refined and subtle.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Time: 50 minutes
Situation: In a quiet room with my eyes closed, 1/4 lotus with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I settled my concentration on the inside of my nostrils and observed the breath as it passed to and fro across that spot. Shortly, I experienced a pressure build-up between my eyes and I allowed my attention to shift to that sensation. I observed the oscillation between the sensation and my perception of that sensation and attempted to discern the Three Characteristics in it. There were mild lights behind my eyelids - shapes and flickering, but nothing too intense. My awareness seemed to expand and at the same time "even out" emotionally. I shifted my attention back to my breath and again observed the oscillation between the sensation of the breath and my perception of that sensation - the vibrations between the two were perhaps two to four beats per second.
My mind would occasionally get caught in stories and tape-loops, but these were very short lived, perhaps a few seconds long before I noted them and returned to the breath. Lately I've found this sort of wandering attention very frustrating and depressing, but this session I definitely viewed it was a sense of humor and affection for my own crazy mind. I don't know where this perspective came from, but it was definitely there. I found myself gently chastising myself, "Silly! Where is it that you think you're going off too? Nowhere! The places you're going are just inaccurate constructs - lets stay with the breath." I basically viewed myself with the affection and tolerance with which I view puppies. This is new thing, especially compared with lack-luster concentration and frustration/depression my meditation sessions have been characterized by lately.
Then, as I was observing the breath and oscillation between it and my awareness of it, I noted the realization I'd had yesterday that my "awareness" is essentially an inaccurate sculpture of something that is gone forever. THEN I inadvertently turned that realization on MY CONCEPT OF ME!
I experienced fear and violent tremors as I realized that I've been doing the same thing with the events in my perceptual universe as I have with my concept of "me" - I've built up really shitty little sculptures of "what is" and then proceeded to treat them as if they were accurate - these gobs of faux -sensory-data that drip from my "mind" like cold oatmeal dripping from a spoon. I had a bit of an oh-moment when I realized that this is very likely what Ingram was talking about in MCTB when he was talking about formations - these inaccurate little Mike-made gobs of suchness.
What a silly little puppy I am! Why would I ever do this? I returned my attention to the breath and continued to observe the game of Pong between reality and my rapid-fire creation of formations of it.
Observations: I don't know what to make of this session other than it had a very different "flavor" than my last few - this session I viewed myself with the affection and tolerance I usually reserve for the mentally ill (on a good day); my last few sessions I've been frustrated and depressed at my inability to even watch my own breath. Its time to post on DhO and see whats what.
OFF-CUSHION EXPERIENCE
Time: Approximately 2 hrs.
Situation: Shopping at Target yesterday afternoon.
Experience: The time approximation on this experience is a little misleading. In retrospect, since my last meditation session my present-moment awareness has been unusually sharp. I spent large swaths of the day observing each moment arise from nothing, briefly exist, and then pass away utterly. However, this reached a sort of peak while running errands with my wife at Target. My job was to push the cart, remind her of things we might need (pretty much all of which she already knew about), and give my two cents on various products when solicited. So I was essentially left to my own mental devices during our time there.
Then this happened: my perceptual universe began to pulse/vibrate rapidly; it was as if I was watching the world around me through a zoetrope. Each moment became, existed, and then was gone forever. My mind would sort of *snap* a mental construct of that moment as it existed so that it could "hold onto it and work with it." I would examine the mental construct and find that it was not at all the moment! Even as I observed it, the construct's margins would shift and its content would change. Then I would shift my attention back to my perceptual universe and find that the moment I had made my inaccurate construct of was gone utterly - in the blink of an eye - and the whole process would repeat.
This oscillation between (1) perception of moment, (2) perception of the creation of a mental construct of that moment, (3) perception of utterly new moment, went on and on at break-neck speed - perhaps two to six times per second.
Observations: I really don't know what to make of this. I did some reading in Ingram's MCTB in the sections on the Dark Night and insight stage 11 (equanimity). Nothing really caught a hold of me and made me shout, "that's what that was!" Its time for my morning meditation session now, so my game plan is to do that, then probably post to DhO's diagnostic section and see if I can't get some input from the other yogis.
Whatever this experience was, I can say this: I used to think of time as a stream with a future, present, and past. Now I think of time more like rain drops hitting a pool of still water. Each moment arises from zero, exists in the briefest possible sense (and even then is in flux) and then is totally gone. Huh.
Time: Approximately 2 hrs.
Situation: Shopping at Target yesterday afternoon.
Experience: The time approximation on this experience is a little misleading. In retrospect, since my last meditation session my present-moment awareness has been unusually sharp. I spent large swaths of the day observing each moment arise from nothing, briefly exist, and then pass away utterly. However, this reached a sort of peak while running errands with my wife at Target. My job was to push the cart, remind her of things we might need (pretty much all of which she already knew about), and give my two cents on various products when solicited. So I was essentially left to my own mental devices during our time there.
Then this happened: my perceptual universe began to pulse/vibrate rapidly; it was as if I was watching the world around me through a zoetrope. Each moment became, existed, and then was gone forever. My mind would sort of *snap* a mental construct of that moment as it existed so that it could "hold onto it and work with it." I would examine the mental construct and find that it was not at all the moment! Even as I observed it, the construct's margins would shift and its content would change. Then I would shift my attention back to my perceptual universe and find that the moment I had made my inaccurate construct of was gone utterly - in the blink of an eye - and the whole process would repeat.
This oscillation between (1) perception of moment, (2) perception of the creation of a mental construct of that moment, (3) perception of utterly new moment, went on and on at break-neck speed - perhaps two to six times per second.
Observations: I really don't know what to make of this. I did some reading in Ingram's MCTB in the sections on the Dark Night and insight stage 11 (equanimity). Nothing really caught a hold of me and made me shout, "that's what that was!" Its time for my morning meditation session now, so my game plan is to do that, then probably post to DhO's diagnostic section and see if I can't get some input from the other yogis.
Whatever this experience was, I can say this: I used to think of time as a stream with a future, present, and past. Now I think of time more like rain drops hitting a pool of still water. Each moment arises from zero, exists in the briefest possible sense (and even then is in flux) and then is totally gone. Huh.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Time: 60 minutes
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus.
Experience: I centered my attention on my breath and within a few minutes I experienced the sensation of pressure building-up between my eyes. I allowed my attention to shift to that sensation. I observed the minute sensations that made up the "pressure" and watched its borders shift, grow, and recede. I also became aware of the physical pleasure of the sitting posture, especially in my arms and torso, and experienced several waves of very intense pleasure course through my entire body. Afterwards there was a slightly more spacious quality to my awareness and later several strobe-light effects behind my eyelids.
This session was characterized by a feeling (pretty sure imagined) that I was "sitting funny;" as in that my head and neck were sort of angled off to the right. My neck actually became stiff in a way that corresponds to that feeling, so maybe it wasn't imaged. I also experienced a lot of shifting emotional states during this session - I cycled rapidly through doubt, frustration, and despair. At one point I thought only, "I just want to get out!" Also I had a great, great deal of trouble keeping my attention focused on the object, as well as a host of glowing, abstract visuals unfurling behind my eyelids.
Observations: I had a lot of trouble concentrating during this sensation. Also, lately I've found myself very touchy emotionally, both on the cushion and off. I definitely feel like I'm in the Dark Night.When I'm off the cushion and find myself trying to avoid unpleasant feelings and mental states (or alternately trying to grasp onto pleasant ones) I've tried to consistently shift my attention to those mental states to see the three characteristics in them - I've also tried to cut myself some slack for being human and slap a smile on my face for the sake of those around me, all with varying degrees of success.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, half lotus.
Experience: I centered my attention on my breath and within a few minutes I experienced the sensation of pressure building-up between my eyes. I allowed my attention to shift to that sensation. I observed the minute sensations that made up the "pressure" and watched its borders shift, grow, and recede. I also became aware of the physical pleasure of the sitting posture, especially in my arms and torso, and experienced several waves of very intense pleasure course through my entire body. Afterwards there was a slightly more spacious quality to my awareness and later several strobe-light effects behind my eyelids.
This session was characterized by a feeling (pretty sure imagined) that I was "sitting funny;" as in that my head and neck were sort of angled off to the right. My neck actually became stiff in a way that corresponds to that feeling, so maybe it wasn't imaged. I also experienced a lot of shifting emotional states during this session - I cycled rapidly through doubt, frustration, and despair. At one point I thought only, "I just want to get out!" Also I had a great, great deal of trouble keeping my attention focused on the object, as well as a host of glowing, abstract visuals unfurling behind my eyelids.
Observations: I had a lot of trouble concentrating during this sensation. Also, lately I've found myself very touchy emotionally, both on the cushion and off. I definitely feel like I'm in the Dark Night.When I'm off the cushion and find myself trying to avoid unpleasant feelings and mental states (or alternately trying to grasp onto pleasant ones) I've tried to consistently shift my attention to those mental states to see the three characteristics in them - I've also tried to cut myself some slack for being human and slap a smile on my face for the sake of those around me, all with varying degrees of success.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Time: 20 minutes
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting on the couch with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I centered my attention on my breath. Within a few minutes, I experienced a sensation of pressure between my eyes, and I allowed my attention to shift to that sensation. I watched it pulse rapidly and its borders grow and shift. I was distracted often by stories and tape-loops - after a while I would simply note them with a mental *beep* label to indicate that my attention had drifted, then refocus my attention on the sensation between my eyes. This became my practice for this session.
Observations: Lots of difficulty maintaining focus. Lots of desire to "progress" and lots of frustration with the stability of my concentration and dearth of calm. My wife says I've been grouchy lately too - she's right. I'm often catching myself playing negative stories and tape loops in my head throughout the day - when that happens I've been trying to get back to the breath and focus on the positive. This is life right now.
Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting on the couch with my hands on my knees.
Experience: I centered my attention on my breath. Within a few minutes, I experienced a sensation of pressure between my eyes, and I allowed my attention to shift to that sensation. I watched it pulse rapidly and its borders grow and shift. I was distracted often by stories and tape-loops - after a while I would simply note them with a mental *beep* label to indicate that my attention had drifted, then refocus my attention on the sensation between my eyes. This became my practice for this session.
Observations: Lots of difficulty maintaining focus. Lots of desire to "progress" and lots of frustration with the stability of my concentration and dearth of calm. My wife says I've been grouchy lately too - she's right. I'm often catching myself playing negative stories and tape loops in my head throughout the day - when that happens I've been trying to get back to the breath and focus on the positive. This is life right now.
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