Time: 50 minutes

Situation: In a quiet room with my eyes closed, 1/4 lotus with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I settled my concentration on the inside of my nostrils and observed the breath as it passed to and fro across that spot. Shortly, I experienced a pressure build-up between my eyes and I allowed my attention to shift to that sensation. I observed the oscillation between the sensation and my perception of that sensation and attempted to discern the Three Characteristics in it. There were mild lights behind my eyelids - shapes and flickering, but nothing too intense. My awareness seemed to expand and at the same time "even out" emotionally. I shifted my attention back to my breath and again observed the oscillation between the sensation of the breath and my perception of that sensation - the vibrations between the two were perhaps two to four beats per second.

My mind would occasionally get caught in stories and tape-loops, but these were very short lived, perhaps a few seconds long before I noted them and returned to the breath. Lately I've found this sort of wandering attention very frustrating and depressing, but this session I definitely viewed it was a sense of humor and affection for my own crazy mind. I don't know where this perspective came from, but it was definitely there. I found myself gently chastising myself, "Silly! Where is it that you think you're going off too? Nowhere! The places you're going are just inaccurate constructs - lets stay with the breath." I basically viewed myself with the affection and tolerance with which I view puppies. This is new thing, especially compared with lack-luster concentration and frustration/depression my meditation sessions have been characterized by lately.

Then, as I was observing the breath and oscillation between it and my awareness of it, I noted the realization I'd had yesterday that my "awareness" is essentially an inaccurate sculpture of something that is gone forever. THEN I inadvertently turned that realization on MY CONCEPT OF ME!

I experienced fear and violent tremors as I realized that I've been doing the same thing with the events in my perceptual universe as I have with my concept of "me" - I've built up really shitty little sculptures of "what is" and then proceeded to treat them as if they were accurate - these gobs of faux -sensory-data that drip from my "mind" like cold oatmeal dripping from a spoon. I had a bit of an oh-moment when I realized that this is very likely what Ingram was talking about in MCTB when he was talking about formations - these inaccurate little Mike-made gobs of suchness.

What a silly little puppy I am! Why would I ever do this? I returned my attention to the breath and continued to observe the game of Pong between reality and my rapid-fire creation of formations of it.

Observations: I don't know what to make of this session other than it had a very different "flavor" than my last few - this session I viewed myself with the affection and tolerance I usually reserve for the mentally ill (on a good day); my last few sessions I've been frustrated and depressed at my inability to even watch my own breath. Its time to post on DhO and see whats what.