Thursday, June 27, 2013

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and observed touch-sensations flickering in and out of existence at about six times per second. Strength of concentration and equanimity were both moderate to high. I observed the flickering of each sensation, noting it as "sensation", and then noted any corresponding "felt sense of the observer" of the sensation by noting it as whichever of the Five Aggregates (sensation, feeling-tone, thought, urge) as discussed "here".

     
Observations: This process did a good job of keeping me on track and focused, but it didn't feel "right". I don't know - this was my first hardcore attempt to use the Five Aggregates to debunk the sense of self. Maybe it just takes practice.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and observed touch-sensations flickering in and out of existence at about five times per second. Strength of concentration was moderate, as was equanimity. I observed the flickering of the object and if/which of the the five aggregates I was assigning a sense of self to. I fell into a story, popped back out, and concentration was high, as was equanimity. Then I felt as if I passed through a point in space - as if through a gate or hole. The speed of flickering increased to maybe ten or more times per second. Data from multiple sense-doors present simultaneously in each flicker; I call these formations. There was physical rapture. I fell into multiple stories. Each time I popped out, concentration and equanimity were high, the speed of flickering was super-fast, formations were evident, and physical rapture was present. Selfing diminished somewhat as the session continued. When the session ended, I came out of meditation with a sense of coming up out of deep water. Time had seemed to fly by.

   
Observations: The plan is to keep on keepin' on.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience:  I closed my eyes and observed touch-sensations flickering in and out of existence at about five or six times per second. Strength of concentration was high - but equanimity was relatively low. Too, there was a sort of void or hole in my concentration, right at the center of the field. Anyway, I observed touch-sensations arise, do their thing, and pass away into nothingness, and then observed which of the five aggregates I was assigning a sense of self to as it observed that information from the Sense Doors. I fell into a story, popped back out, and concentration was high, and equanimity was moderate.  The flickering of data sped up. Formations were subtly there. I fell into another story and when I popped back out both concentration and equanimity were high. More and more sense-data was coming in and not triggering a selfing process. The session ended and it felt like I was coming up out of very deep water. Time had flown by. Now (about a half hour later) I feel very aware . . . open? I don't know how to describe it. Also, during the session, I had the opportunity to jump into one or two of the Pure Land jhanas, but I continued to not sense-data and selfing, instead.

   
Observations: I've been trying to note selfing whenever possible off the cushion. This session feels like that practice has been doing "something" inside me. This session felt deep and significant in some way. Will continue to explore.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience: As I sat down to meditate, I noted the presence of non-specific anxiety and excitement, which I took to be a good sign. I closed my eyes and observed touch-sensations flickering in and out of existence at about six times per second. Strength of concentration was moderate, as was equanimity. I reminded myself to observe information from the Sense Doors, and to observe which of the five aggregates I was assigning a sense of self to as it observed that information from the Sense Doors. I fell into a story, popped back out, and concentration was high, as was equanimity.  The flickering of data in and out of existence was at a very rapid frame-rate, and the flickering was subtle. Formations were evident. I fell into another story and when I popped back out there was a sense of spaciousness and stillness. I checked to see which aggregate I was assigning a sense of self to, and that process was not happening: just sense-data, flickering. This phase of the session lasted for a period of time that's hard to quantify. Slowly, the selfing process rebooted, and I continued to practice as before (in this session) until the timer sounded.

 
Observations: I'm feeling like I was in high Equanimity during this session, which is both exciting and terrifying. No idea what the "quiet space" was. Onward!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and observed touch-sensations flickering in and out of existence at about six times per second. Strength of concentration was moderate; equanimity was low. I reminded myself that all of "this" was not me, not permanent, and not satisfying, and that the process of observation was itself an object. I fell into a little story and then snapped back. The flickering of each "frame" of reality increased and so was concentration. There was a fear of death and a sensation of helplessness/vulnerability. I fell into another story, deeper this time, then popped back out. Concentration was increased even more, and now there was moderate equanimity as well. Sense-data, observation, thoughts, and emotions all pulsed in and out of existence rapidly and in time with one and other; I call this Formations. This continued until the session ended, with the flickering of phenomena being subtle and very fast.

 
Observations: Curiouser and curiouser.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and observed sight-sensations flickering in and out of existence at about five or six times per second. Strength of concentration was moderate; equanimity was low. I reminded myself that all of "this" was not me, not permanent, and not satisfying, and that the process of observation was itself an object. Awareness shifted to touch-sensations and the rate of flickering increased slightly to maybe eight times per second. I fell into a little story and then snapped back. Concentration was increased, but equanimity was way down - maybe gone. There was fear and anxiety. There was a visceral realization that there is only this fleeting moment - that "future" and "past" are fictions. There was more fear. Flickering got subtle. Sometimes a sense-object would present, and then a mental "reflex" spurred by the sense-object. The mental reflex was sort of what I think of when I think of "observation" - but not quite. It was clear neither was "me". I fell into a story again and snapped back. More flickering of sense-objects; sometimes observation of the mental "reflex". Another story. More flickering. And so it went until near the end, when the entire experience became very rarefied. Flickering was way, way subtle. There was a sense of three-dimensional space. There was some low level anxiety. There was fatigue. The session ended.

 
Observations: This was newish territory. Interesting and a little exciting. Also a little daunting. I'm really trying to focus on observing sense-objects and the mental sort of reflection they sometimes stir up, and to see the Three Characteristics in both. That's the practice. Its taken me here.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Time: 45 minutes.

Situation: A quiet room with my eyes closed, sitting in a chair with my hands on my knees.

Experience: I closed my eyes and observed sight-sensations flickering in and out of existence at about six times per second. Strength of concentration was moderate; equanimity was low. I reminded myself that all of "this" was not me, not permanent, and not satisfying, and to give whatever presented as an object some space.  Awareness shifted to touch-sensations and the rate of flickering increased slightly. I fell into a little story and then snapped back. There was a lot of entanglement between my sense of self and sensations. Slowly, concentration increased and so did equanimity. I continued to fall into stories now and again, but between them sensations were presenting clearly as objects and concentration was high enough to see that they were not "me". The last ten or so minutes of this session I was pretty tired and my concentration suffered a little.

 
Observations: I took a long nap yesterday and took TWO long naps today, so I feel much better than I have the last few days. I'm still exhausted (not really sure why), but I feel like the extra sleep has gone a long way towards getting me back on track. I know the difference was palpable between my meditations over the last few days, and my one today. I'm still focusing on Not Self and trying to really chip away at the sense that sensations are anything but what they. Its a new phase of meditation and one I'm not SUPER precise with yet. But, I'll keep pounding away.


FYI: I found the comment by Nikolai found at this link helpful - http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/4381924